100 Percent Intense
by Gypsy Love
Summary: the intense moments of degrassi characters, shifting first person point of view.
1. Chapter 1

Liberty

I held that baby-my baby-but not for long. Perfect little face, perfect little fingers and little toes. He sleeps in my arms. He doesn't know what a failure I am, what a messed up nothing. Me, Liberty Van Zant, class president, skipped a grade. Pregnant at 15. So dumb. It's not just J.T. who screwed up, it's me, too.

He is so soft, this nameless child in my arms and he'll grow and thrive under someone else's watchful eye. When they take him from my arms it is the worst loneliness I have ever known.

Ashley

Okay, I knew something was wrong with him. Not right at least. I knew that much. He was different than before, different from ninth grade and even 10th when he was at least calm. Craig Manning. I love him, I do, but something was just off.

He was always going at 90 miles an hour now, writing songs or zipping around a room or just talking, talking, talking. Jumping from one train of thought to another that it got hard to follow. Saying he loved me, I had been dying to hear it but even that should have been a warning. There were no walls anymore, no boundaries. I had to admit that had been something I liked even while I hated it, too. The fear in his eyes when we got too close.

The wedding, my dad's wedding, what a disaster. I was so embarrassed. What was he thinking? Announcing all of our future plans like that? Did he think my parents would be okay with that? So I sent him away. I had to. I couldn't take it anymore.

I got worried, though. Felt guilty after Joey came to the wedding looking for him. He trashed the hotel room, he asked me to _marry him_ for god's sake. Something was wrong. I had to find him, see if I could help him somehow. I had no idea how. I had no idea what was wrong.

Jimmy

I thought I could talk my way out of it. I thought I could reason with Rick. It went beyond reason. I can see it, over and over, the way he slowly pulls the gun from his jacket, the way he points it at me.

Just like a nightmare, that slow syrupy motion, caught in quicksand, can't get away, can barely scream. Something funny happens to time at moments like those. It speeds up and slows way down, it pulls apart and compresses. That slow motion run down the hallway is going on forever.

Manny

No one can look as sad as my mother. I tell her I'm pregnant and she looks that way. I hate to cause that look. But she brings me to the appointment. That's what I call it in my head, 'the appointment', but it's an abortion. I had to have one. I couldn't have that baby, tell my father about it, he'd send me away.

Marco

So I lied. I lied to myself for awhile about the gay thing. It was hard to deal with, hard to accept in myself that I was, well, gay. I thought the attraction to girls would sort of magically happen one day but it never did, all the while I'm noticing other things. My friends' cologne, the movement of their muscles under their clothes, their broad shoulders and deep voices. These things make me feel…that way…like I thought I would, or at least should, with girls.

Ellie

My dad left, peace keeping mission. I knew he might get blown to bits. My mom started drinking. Seriously fell into a bottle drinking. I can smell it, that sharp pungent alcohol smell. Vodka and whiskey and scotch. She doesn't fool around. In my room alone, the door locked, the music on, I still feel numb. Still feel cut off from her and everyone and myself. I don't even know when I first did it, drew the sharp razor across my skin and felt a second of peace.

Craig

In the hospital room. Finally. Everything was racing and scrambled up in my head. I hit Joey. I can't believe I did that but he was grabbing me and trying to make me…something…I don't know. I was fine. I told him I was fine and he kept pulling me and I just…I don't know.

Sitting in the ER for hours. Hours. Joey next to me bleeding because I made him bleed. For a split second I thought we were there for him, because I hurt him.

"I'm fine, Craig," he said softly, looking at me in a cautious way, "we're here for you,"

I couldn't keep still, my legs bouncing up and down, and I went to get up but Joey tugged on my shirt and whispered no. So I didn't get up, just sat there thinking a million things all at once. Song ideas. Band ideas. Money. Fame. Guilt ideas. I hurt Joey when all he'd ever done was look out for me, he took me in. I was as bad as my father, I was _like_ my father. Violent. Abusive. Couldn't help it, it was in my DNA. And Ashley. Ash. She was gonna marry me. We could have this great wedding, everyone would be there, and we'd be actually married and I'd have a real family.

"Craig Manning?" this guy said, standing in the doorway. He was dressed in a dress shirt with jeans, a tie, a jacket. I looked at Joey. He nodded at me so I went with him into a little room.

"What's been going on, Craig?" he said, sitting on the edge of the desk. I sat in the chair up against the wall.

"Nothing,"

"Been feeling okay?"

"Yeah,"

"Sleeping okay?" he looked at me kind of sideways.

"Well, no. I've been up for the past couple nights,"

The guy nodded and wrote what I said down. I kept looking around everywhere. Wondered where Joey was. Wondered where Ashley was. Wondered if she was still mad at me.

"Craig," the guy said my name sharp, like he said something and I wasn't paying attention, which I wasn't. I couldn't.

"Huh? What?"

"I said have you been in any fights lately?"

Quiet. I didn't want to go into this with this guy. This stranger.

"Yeah," I said it all quiet. I wanted to be left alone.

"Do you usually get into fights?"

"No," Suddenly I felt like crying.

J.T.

It was funny, almost. I couldn't feel the pain anymore. That's the weirdest thing. Did that guy _stab_ me? I reached around and felt something wet on my back, pulled my hand away and it was covered with blood. _Oh oh this is not good._ Not good at all. Violence, you know? I guess it's in us. But it didn't hurt anymore. It did. When he first did it, which was like what? Two seconds ago? It had hurt like hell. A sharp pain but with a burning, like something was on fire inside of me. Now I felt almost nice, like floating, floating away. There's Liberty, and she's upset, I can tell. I can always tell when she's upset, she gets that sharp look in her eyes. Liberty. I love her. I do. I realize it now. She's holding onto me and probably screaming but it's faint, I can hear her but just barely. We're sitting on the road now. I was standing but now we're on the road and I feel cold.

Toby

I knew he was dead. I don't know how I knew but I just did. He was dead. My best friend. Hospitals look so funny late at night, the staff so serious, rushing around, doing god knows what. But there's one of these people here for us, here to tell us the bad news.

"His grandma is out of town, she won't be back for hours," Emma. She was getting shrill. She still had hope that J.T. was okay. I could see hope burning in her eyes. Not me. All hope had burned away. J.T. was a corpse.

Paige

I've pretty much always been in control. Everywhere. At school, with my friends, at home, with boys. Especially with boys. On this bed in the darkened bedroom of some kid I didn't know, Dean holding me down with one hand and ripping open a condom with the other hand, control is gone. Saying no doesn't matter, doesn't help it and won't change it.

Craig

There was this fear that made it hard to breath. Trapped again, too. Why was I always so stupid? Always ending up somewhere where I couldn't get away.

I shouldn't have made that stupid photo album. What was I thinking? Of course he'd find it. He finds everything.

"What are you doing?" I could talk to him but when he was like this it didn't matter. It was like he couldn't even hear me. He looked at me like he wanted to kill me.

"I work my ass off for you," he said, hitting me with the photo album, "and what do I get?" Hit again, and I raise my hands up to block the blows, "what do I get?"

He grabbed my wrists and threw me to the floor. Hard cement floor and that hurt. But that wouldn't be it. He was still yelling, still asking questions in that mad, sarcastic way. He was about to hurt me and I hated him. I hated him so much.

Paige

The party went on outside. I could hear it faintly. Closed my eyes and could feel Dean, how rough he was, how he wouldn't let me up.

"Let me go," I said, and I said no. I kept saying it, still thinking it mattered.

Emma

I wouldn't eat. Goddamn it. It was about control. Willpower. Being thin was a victory, it was strength. I would control my body. It would look exactly as I wanted it to look. I could control what went into my mouth. And it was working. I could feel my clothes getting looser, the tight jeans now loose, now hanging a bit off my hips. My cheekbones were more prominent. My eyes looked bigger. I was prettier, I was skinny. I would win.

Spinner

Jimmy was talking to me. As our class graduated without us and we both stood in the shadows watching. He was talking to me and not saying he hated me and that I was dead him. I'd felt dead to myself.

I never meant for it to happen, I never meant for any of that to happen. But I didn't know, you know? I didn't know Rick was going to go absolutely psycho and start shooting people. Shit, man, did I learn some hard lessons. You can't treat people like that, you can't just go after someone and not think they won't break. We were all broken.

Sean

"Did your parents hit you?" Craig said with this odd hope in his voice, and I looked at him. He was looking down, sort of balancing himself on the train tracks, leaning to one side and then the other. His dad hit him. I mean, I heard enough in the background of that phone call. I heard someone yelling and pounding on something in the background and I heard Craig sounding all panicky but trying to sound normal. I knew about trying to sound normal, trying to be normal. It didn't work.

Paige

I wasn't even talking to him anymore. I wasn't even there in a way. He rocked and slammed into me and I just tried to block it out, tried to think of other things. Tried to go to another place and it worked, it worked better than I would have thought.

Ellie

"Don't, don't make me say it, Craig. You know, so don't make me say it," The music so loud from the show and we were backstage and I was making one last ditch effort to save Craig, to protect him. I should know from experience that that doesn't work out too well.

His look changes, from frustrated anger to realization and he comes toward me, puts his arms around me, leans in for a kiss and I think _finally._ Oh god how often had I wanted to kiss him after Ashley left. For once I was completely in the moment, in this moment. Kissing him, feeling finally the feeling I wanted, that he wanted me, too. Feeling the smoothness of his teeth with the tip of my tongue, feeling his shoulder blades through his shirt with my hands. I loved him. I'd loved him for a long time.

"I love you, Ellie," he said, and I smiled and felt like I would burst.

"I love you, too," I said through my smile.

"So don't tell Joey. I need it so, so don't tell him,"

This is what it means to be disillusioned. It wasn't real. Not on his part. I was getting in the way of what he wanted and he'd figured out how to get around me. He didn't love me at all.

Sean

It was real, and things were happening fast, there was no time to lose. But this was how I worked best.

Emma and Toby blubbering behind me, scared and clinging to each other like little puppies. I wasn't scared. Rick had a gun and maybe he'd shoot someone but it wouldn't be Emma or Toby, not if I could help it.

Rick was at the end of his rope. I understood that. I'd been there. He'd gone too far to ever come back, he knew it, we knew it, too.

"I already shot somebody," he said, and I flashed on Spinner, Jay, Jimmy. They'd given him the hardest time. I didn't really have much dealings with Rick. I let him go his own way. He hurt Terri and that was wrong, of course, but beating the guy up over it day after day wouldn't make Terri better.

He raised the gun, aiming at Emma. I loved Emma. Despite Ellie. Ellie, who I really cared about. But not like how I felt about Emma. So I acted. I grabbed his arm that held the gun and he pulled it down but I had to keep that gun from pointing at her. I was stronger than Rick and I had more at stake. He'd fucked up and things were done now. He'd go to jail, maybe for life. I was still in it.

Craig

Sometimes I couldn't quite remember the, uh, the beatings. I knew they happened, of course. I knew because I hated my dad and it hurt. Bruises, all purple and black and blue. My arms and legs ached where he punched me or my back hurt where he strapped me. And I was jumpy. Kids at school made fun of me a little bit for it but I couldn't help it.

Now, in my room, my back killing me because of that goddamn belt, I was gonna remember. I'd make myself remember. I wasn't crazy. The doors locked. Good. He'd be up sometime maybe. Apologizing. 'I'm sorry, Craig. It'll never happen again,' That's what he says. That's what he always says.

Jimmy

First I heard noises. Strange mechanical beeps. The soft whisper of rubber soles on waxed hallway floors. Soft voices, worried voices. I didn't know where I was or what had happened. I heard people crying. I heard my name. My eyes closed, people talking to me almost like they thought I couldn't hear them.

"I, I saw your empty seat and I got so scared. I knew, Jimmy, I knew," Hazel, crying, her voice hitching. She touched my hand lightly.

"Oh my god, you've got to get better. Do you hear me? You will get better. You will," Paige, her voice loud and strong, then in a whisper, "you better,"

"Jimmy, man, please, please, don't die. Okay? Okay, please?" Marco, tears in his voice, a pleading in his voice.

"I couldn't take it. Not another one. My mom, my dad, everyone dying on me. Not you too, Jimmy," Craig.

They leave, or they become quiet. Just the mechanical beeps and the soft whisper of rubber on wax.

Terri

TBI, that stood for traumatic brain injury. That was what Rick did to me. Brain surgery, blood clots, massive bleeding, memory loss and memory problems, problems with abstract thinking, seizure disorder. I'd already had one seizure.

Now I was in a special school and a special class for students with TBI, and everything was different. No more fast track to college. No more packed classes and tons of homework. No more being normal.

Sean

Craig stood on the tracks as the train came and I thought, at first, that he was just fooling around. But I saw this look on his face, this look in his eyes, and I thought he wasn't fooling around. I went to grab him but he pushed me off him.

"Get offa me," he said, and shoved me. I fell and looked up at him staring at the train. Shit, shit. He was gonna kill himself right in front of me.

Rick

Fuck them. I'd had enough. Last straw? It was a whole year of last straws.

Well, they'd pay. They'd pay for what they did to me and to Toby and to everyone else that they deemed unworthy of their pathetic little cliques. They'd know the pain that they had inflicted on me.

Craig

"I want to go home," I said, standing at the high desk in the hospital. My room was down the hall. Joey had brought me some clothes and stuff and I wore my flannel pajama pants and T-shirt. It was late, it was like midnight. But I hadn't been sleeping anyway. I couldn't sleep.

"It's midnight, Craig. You have to go get some sleep," A nurse. It was only nurses here at night, not like during the day when there were psychiatrists and psychologists and mental health techs and social workers and nurses and all of them talked to me and asked me questions. At night it was just the nurses and the assistant nurses.

"I can't sleep. I want to go home,"

"Well, this is a locked psych unit and you can't go home. So go to bed,"

"I want to leave!" I slammed my hand on the desk and stared at her. She stared right back.

"Go to your room," she said, steel in her voice.

"What if I don't?"

"Craig, there's nothing I can do. You can't leave now. It's midnight. And I can't let you leave. That's up to the doctor. And this sort of behavior won't get you out any faster,"

Fuck. I glared at her but it didn't do any good. I wanted to hit something, her, the wall, something. But I didn't. I paced the halls, went to the doors. They were locked, all of them. The nurses had keys and I saw them leave to go out for a break, for supper, when their shift was done. I banged on the door, the sound it made rattling in the frame pretty loud, and I kept doing it and kept hearing that sound echo.

"Craig," Soft voice, and the two nurses and the two nurses' assistants were standing near me. Near but not so near that I could easily reach them. One nurse held a little plastic cup with a little pill in it and a glass of water in a plastic cup. There was no glass on the psych ward. No glass, no real dishes, no knives, no plastic bags, no belts.

"Take this," she said, her eyes cautious.

"I want to fucking leave!" I said, swearing, out of control. I couldn't help it though, I couldn't. I was trapped here.

"Take this. It will help you calm down. You need to get some sleep," I closed my eyes for longer than a blink. She was right. I'd been up for days running on this weird energy, inspiration. It was exhausting.

"What if I don't?" I wanted to be, I don't know, not this. Not this crazy kid locked up and being given all these meds, being so out of control. I didn't have any control here.

"Then I will call the psychiatrist and get an order for a shot, and if we have to hold you down to give it to you we will," The steel in her voice again and I'd seen them do that to someone else. I sighed, gave up, okay. I'd take the stupid pill.

"Okay," I said in a whisper and started to cry. Stupid tears. I wiped them away.

I swallowed the pill and went to my room, laid on my bed, and waited for it to kick in.

Hazel

What happened to my life? There was some hole right in the middle of it. I watched Paige and Alex walk down the hall, leaning on each other, smiling secret smiles. Paige was my friend, my best friend, not Alex's.

Jimmy's absence weighed on me. Shot down right in this school, right in this hallway. And he was more distant than ever.

The people who meant the most to me were slipping away. I saw them going but couldn't stop them. Who was I without Paige? Without Jimmy? I had to start to find myself.

Manny

Steel instrument, long and skinny, going up and killing that baby. Abortion. Black dark word. Dressed in a paper gown, sitting on a paper sheet, everything rustling together. This was the result of going after Craig so ruthlessly, of having to have him at any cost. This was the cost.

Jimmy

The doctor looked impassive. He'd seen this sort of thing before. His words cutting me to the bone.

"You may never walk again,"

Craig

My cheekbone kind of hurt where he hit me, again, even though I lived with Joey he hit me again. I told Joey last night I hated him and I meant it. I'd go to children's aid and be done with him. He wasn't going to hit me again.

Spinner

I couldn't go see him in the hospital. I couldn't. It was my fault, all my fault. I might as well have taken out the gun and shot him myself.

Paige

I felt used. Dirty. Dean, what a goddamn bastard. Son of a bitch.

Emma

Fainting didn't hurt. Not at all. It felt good to finally let go.

J.T.

Funny, I never noticed so many things before. The way thoughts are actually a part of the brain. How bleeding doesn't hurt after a while. How good it feels to be in Liberty's arms.

Craig

He shoved the plate of food off the table and got up fast. I was scared. I hadn't been expecting that.

Sean

The gun went off, so loud, echoing in my head and outside it. Everything was wet. I thought I pissed myself at first.

Toby

There was snow on top of his grave and it was snowing again. It was night time and it made the snow look kind of blue. I didn't think you were supposed to be at a cemetery at night. The grave stone did look kind of beautiful. Never thought I'd be hanging out with J.T. here.

Manny

I was moving on. Chester following me around and he was cute, I mean, real cute. And I had my thing with Spinner. Craig didn't matter to me anymore. Then I introduce him to Chester since we walked right by him and he calls to me, holds my hands.

"I've been thinking about last year," he said, his eyes glazed with whatever meds he was on.

"It's okay," I said, suddenly wanting to be anywhere else with anyone else. Don't say anything, don't make me long for you again. I tried to pull away but he held on.

"No, it's not," he said, and I watched Chester walk on toward the caf, and here I was again, stuck in Craig's grip.

Paige

The shower was just hot enough to not burn me. I'd never feel clean again.

Craig

His face twists. Anger. I was a terrible kid. It was my fault. I could be better. If I was better this wouldn't happen. He takes his belt off and whips it out of the belt loops and I cringe, tense up.

Emma

He was a patient, not a doctor. How could he be a doctor anyway? When I was three he was only 18. He looked like his picture only older and sort of…out of it. He held the picture of me and my mom and I knew. He was Shane. My dad.

Marco

Enough with the lies. On the stage, the whole school out there and my parents, and I could see them despite the lights in my face. Enough with not owning my truth.

"Dad, I'm gay,"

Sean

It wasn't piss. Rick clung to me, and there was fear in his eyes. The gun went off and shot him. I let him cling. I wasn't even mad at him, not really. I couldn't let him shoot Emma or anyone else, that was all.

Craig

He kicked me in the stomach and I couldn't breath. It hurt so much. I curled up in a ball and gasped, waited for my breath to come back. Now he looked at me all worried and the stupid thing was I felt like it was my fault and was happy he cared to even look at me like he was worried.

Ellie

Line of blood, so perfect in its complete redness.

Ashley

"There was nothing at all," I sang, my own voice ringing in my ears. Glanced at Craig next to me. He was sexy, there was no denying that. But I believed this line about nothing, was living it. I had to get out, get away. My dad offered me that job in London but if it hadn't been that it would have been something else. I had to go. I couldn't take it here anymore. School, friends, Craig, I couldn't handle it anymore. I was going away. It was only a dream of you and the promise exploded through.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex

Paige Micalchuk on my bed, hot damn! She was so fucking beautiful, her blond hair like metal shining in the sun.

Jay

Emma Nelson, little miss Greenpeace, sitting in my passenger seat. She almost radiated this goodness. I felt really out of my element with her, but I wouldn't let it show. She wouldn't be able to tell that her presence was fazing me in the least.

"Here you go," I said, pulling up to the curb next to her house.

Marco

I heard that music from his dorm, some weird college music I hadn't even heard before. I could hear it in the hall. I was so excited to see him, to tell him about the blood drive and what I'd said, and I flung open the door…and time stopped. Time, air, sense, it was all sucked out of the room and I just stared at him making out with that guy on his bed. Narrow dorm room bed.

Craig

I knew I shouldn't do it, I mean, c'mon, I knew. It was coke. Just a little white line on that little square mirror. Some guy pulled it out in the bathroom stall of some club. I could hear the music pounding from the dance floor out there. Maybe I'd forgotten to take my meds for a couple of days. Whatever. He shoved the mirror toward me and I did it, just leaned over and inhaled it like I saw him do.

Terri

A single red rose taped to my locker. I could die. Someone liked me, some boy liked me. Me. Fat Terri. Always second to Ashley and Paige and Hazel, always following in their wake. Not anymore. I inhaled the musty, funeral home scent of the rose. This flower proved it.

Paige

Bebe's new car, his love mobile. Spin was the best. And here we were, in the backseat of the car at night, parked. It should have been…romantic…and all that. Closed my eyes while he kissed me and that was okay but his hands traveled down and started touching me and I remembered…I flashed back to Dean…suddenly it was like it was Dean's hands rough all over me, one touch was like the other, and even though my brain knew it was my bebe, my Spinner, my body didn't know that and I couldn't stand it anymore…couldn't take it.

"No! Stop!" I sat up, covered my eyes. I was not okay.

Sean

I saw the drugs Hatzilakos pulled out of my locker and I went cold. Someone planted them there but this wasn't fucking T.V. where someone would pop out of the fucking box at the end of the episode and everything would be okay. I was kicked out. I knew things were like this, unfair, but sometimes I forgot.

Manny

I'd hoped he'd go to the rave but I wasn't sure if he would. My stomach was twisted in knots. I heard his voice before I saw him, Craig's sexy little, 'hey,' and I smiled my widest smile and turned around. The music was around us like something visible, echoing our heartbeats.

Jimmy

Kwan's crazy assignment, this skit about "Taming the Shrew". It was kind of fun with Hazel, the football player thing. Everyone laughing. But Ashley, sitting in the audience next to Craig, she looked at me with this recrimination. I didn't get it. She gets up there with him, and I'm wishing her well in my head, ya know? Then Craig puts on those glasses and he's yelling at her with this anger, and she has this anguish in her eyes and I get the feeling it's me and her up there but Craig's playing my part. Then Craig shoves her down and grabs her around the throat and I'm actually afraid for her and he's yelling, "I must have Kate to my wife," making the goofy old English or middle English or whatever it is sound almost normal. Then they're done and talking to Kwan about it but Ashley looks at me like I should know the subtext.

Emma

I was supposed to be smarter than this. I was smart. I did good in school. I knew about stuff, lot's of stuff, including cyber stalkers. But this was supposed to be Jordan, my friend. My almost boyfriend. The cute boy who cared about the environment and endangered species just like I did.

I was behind a locked hotel door with this old guy, this guy who had been acting nice but that was stopping. This guy who was looking at me like, like, I didn't know but I knew it wasn't good and no one knew where I was. He could kill me. He really could.

Ellie

I felt guilty, sort of, when I dragged the sharp blade across my wrist. No where near major arteries, of course. I felt this sort of calm wash over me, felt the sharp pain and I knew I was at least _alive_.

Craig

Down the stairs, Joey and Angela awake already. I'd seen the dumb cut under my eye in the mirror. I looked so stupid. Talked about going to children's aid again to Joey. He tried to touch my eye and I jerked away. I was trying to feel better. I'd go and talk to them and I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. It would be fine. Knock at the door, my heart was in my throat.

"Think that's him?" I said, fearful and paranoid but I thought it was my dad. He was gonna come and get me. He wouldn't let me go to children's aid. He'd beat me again.

"Your dad? No," Joey said, reasonable and I wanted to believe him. Joey answered the door and Angela was babbling something to me but I wasn't listening, trying to hear and see who was at the door. Cops. My dad sent the cops to get me.

Toby

I laid the role playing dice by the edge of his locker. Jimmy's locker looked like a shrine and he wasn't even dead. Not that I blamed anyone, or didn't blame them. But Rick was dead, despite and because of all the destruction he had caused. Anyway, I felt I owed him this.

Spinner

Violence in the air just like with Rick, that year with Rick when we all went after him. The Lakehurst jerks crowding us everywhere, staring us down. I'm not afraid to fight but I'm afraid of…what happened before.

Ashley

My mother just blindly takes Toby's side because she doesn't want to upset Jeff. Okay, I get that, and she's happy finally but she could listen to my side just once. If my parents were still together I wouldn't have this problem.

Paige

I went after Dean, not like Spinner or the mascot. I took him to court because he raped me and it was wrong. I testified in front of my mother and Spinner and it would play over and over on the VCR of their minds. But there was no evidence and Dean was free to go, not guilty and all of that. I just stared up at the picture of the Queen of England, my mouth open in slack-jawed surprise.

Liberty

My denim dress fit tight over the hard bulge of my stomach. Couldn't ignore this pregnancy anymore. In the car with Toby heading to the conference because I was still the president despite being nine months pregnant. Everything in spite of this. Then the gush of amniotic fluid. I knew what it was. Watched Toby freak out. Men always lost their cool.

Sean

I grabbed Craig around the waist and pulled him off the tracks. We fell to the side in the sand and gravel and the train roared by. Craig laughed then, and I glared at him. He ran off, little sideways run, kicking up dust as he went. I called after him, "What's wrong with you!"

Jay

I grabbed Spinner in the hall. It was chaos, man. Gunshots, people running all over the place. We were all headed out the front doors like it was a fire drill or bomb scare but it was real this time.

"I thought he got you," I said, and Spinner looked rough. Face all flushed, talking around his tongue ring.

"No, Jimmy," he said, "he got Jimmy,"

Marco

Lost, missed my exit, trying to get to the hockey game. Dylan was playing. And I wanted to see, I wanted to see him. Called the guys on my cell just to let them know I was on my way. Walked past the dark park, pretending that the group of guys behind me weren't following me, but I tried to hurry, just wanted to be at that hockey game with my friends. I don't know how it happened, there were four or five of them, they surrounded me.

Craig

Yeah, okay, I liked it. I liked it a lot. That rush of confidence you get, that surge of feeling like things were possible. Likely. I started seeking it out. I wanted that confidence boost.

Emma

He started touching me just on my leg. I sat very still. Maybe if I was still enough none of this would be happening. Jordan wasn't real. And no one knew where I was.

Ashley

I could not believe this. He held the ticket up for me to see but I still could not believe this.

"You can't follow me to England," I told him, "what is this?"

"This is me trying to get it so we can see each other this summer, I have plans," he said, holding the ticket, and I just wanted to cry. I couldn't do this anymore.

"You think I'm having an episode," he said, and he stepped away. He was damn right I did.

J.T.

I couldn't see anything anymore but I could still hear things. I heard Liberty whisper she loved me and I tried to say it back but I couldn't speak. Just a whistle of air. Thoughts seemed to be running out of my head like water. The sounds were becoming fainter.

Alex

Another one of my mom's prize boyfriends. This one drunk and passed out on the couch. He reeked of whatever he drank, beer and vodka, who knew? Who cared? The result was always the same. My mom was crying in the bedroom and I sighed, went in there. Got the ice for her split lip and black eye. Blackening. It was just puffy right now.

Craig

"Dad, no, I'm sorry-"

"It's too late for sorry," he said it in his sarcastic way and grabbed me like he usually does, by the wrists, and shoved me. I fell back and slammed my head on the wall, saw the burst of lights and colors in front of my eyes.

Paige

"Dean, I said no-"

I tried to push him off but he was strong, and I felt things start to slip.

Spinner

After drinking all that, drunk as anything, it seemed like a good idea to go to Craig's house and see Jimmy. I'd found my invitation.

Manny

Nauseas. Dressed in my clothes again at least. No more little baby growing inside me. Goodbye Maude.

Emma

It got easier to make myself throw up the more I did it. Just cramped up my stomach muscles and up it came. No more calories.

Terri

I lied about the bruise on my wrist but I knew Rick would never hurt me again. I'd be better. He wouldn't get mad at me again.

Jimmy

Sometimes I dreamed that I could walk. Woke up and had to face it all over again.

Hazel

I didn't like Alex and I wasn't jealous. Paige had never liked her, either.

Toby

Oh my god the sight of Rick's mother crying and coming toward me was more than I could take. I saw the casket beyond her. All that was in my nose was the cloying scent of those flowers. I turned to go and there was J.T. and I knew something I had been doubting. J.T. and me, we were friends. After all.

Craig

The second time in so many years. Another one of my parents dead. I sat in the church pew and couldn't even listen to the priest. With my mom the grief had been overwhelming. But with my dad all I felt was relief.

Toby

J.T. It's funny how people look in caskets, all still and made up and sort of fake. Actually, it's kind of scary. But I go up to him anyway and try to say goodbye.

Alex

Late at night some of the perverted drunk boyfriends think they can get funny with me, and they come into my room with their dopey smiles or lecherous grins. One quick knee to the balls and they don't think about being funny anymore.

Ellie

At the airport, time for him to go. He looked sober at least, or not high. He looked pale to me and too skinny. I felt this tightening feeling and I knew I would always love him and that it would always not do any good.

"Ellie, I meant what I said," he said, taking my hand, and I heard the desperation in his voice, "and I felt that way for a long, long ti-"

"That's beside the point," I said, pulling away from him, walking away from him. He just caused too much pain.

Sean

"Do you want the leftovers?" Emma's mom asked me and I just lost it. I know I did. She thought I was poor trailer trash, welfare case who couldn't get a decent meal. And the thing was I agreed with her.

Rick

Liar. He pretended to be my friend but he set me up. Life ruiner. I had the gun in my bag and it had this weight to it, this weight, that I just knew it could make everything right.

Craig

I had to put all that shit behind me. My dad, Ashley, Manny, Ellie. Cocaine. I had to take my meds. And I would. I would. I had my bag all packed and I was ready to go. Slung it over my shoulder and walked down the stairs and out into the sun. Time to focus on the music. Rehab was done.

Ashley

Things were quite fluid. But Jimmy could be a drag. Suddenly I was so totally connecting with Sean Cameron, of all people. But I hadn't ever really realized how similar we were, how we were mostly image and that no one knew the real me, or the real him. But we could be real to each other.

Alex

The music was perfect, that little grinding beat. And Paige was perfect, her hair all blond and tousled, her shoes kicked off. We danced so sexy, in perfect sync.

Craig

Joey grabbed me, pulled me back. The smell of paint was so thick in this room, it wasn't dry. I told him I was fine. Why wouldn't he leave me alone? I tried to leave again and he pulled me again, like, like my dad used to pull on me and hit me and how could Joey do that to me when he knew? He knew.

"Don't…do…that," I said, and this time I fought back. I wasn't a 13 year old kid anymore. No one would push me around.

Darcy

I felt so strange. It had only been one drink, I was sure it was only one. But I felt like I'd had a hundred drinks, a hundred hundred. I could barely walk, could barely stand. Everything blurred. It doubled, it blurred, and I found a bed before I fell to the floor.

Hazel

So Paige was a lesbian now. Arm in arm with Alex, her new best friend. Palex. And Jimmy was always with Ellie. Where did I fit in?

J.T.

I stood in the doorway and watched Liberty hold our son. He was beautiful. I almost wanted to steal him.

Jay

I grabbed the lighter from his hand. Spinner, man. The kid was falling apart.

"As your pseudo-friend, listen to me. If you want your friends back, believe me, this isn't the way,"

Jimmy

Ashley handed me the yearbook she finally signed, she was all dressed in her black dress and goth make-up. Those big blue eyes. Why did things never work out with us? She was crying as she walked away.

Spinner

At the police station. Shit. So scared. Maybe they'd put me in jail. All those charges Paige wracked up crashing my car. But I'd take the rap. She'd been through enough with Dean and all. It was okay. I could handle it.


	3. Chapter 3

Darcy

It felt like there was cotton in my head, this thick substance I couldn't think around. It was like having a headache without the pain.

Liberty

Danny's friend, his stupid friend. Derek. He looked at me with his earnest little face asking adoption questions. I couldn't take it. I wanted to scream.

Alex

Sitting in my apartment, watching T.V. I looked bored and pissed off but it was an act. I was scared. Another drunken idiot yelled at my mom, threw things, broke things. I jumped at every loud noise.

Paige

I…I couldn't breathe. None of the questions on this exam…made any sense. I was failing. Me. Failing. This just couldn't be happening. I was a Banting Girl. Wasn't I?

Ashley

Ali. His accent made me melt. Kissing him, drinking big mugs of beer in the pub, laughing. Not having to worry about someone else's moods or medications. It was nice. It was real nice.

Manny

I wouldn't look like some child. I wouldn't be cute. I was going to be sexy. Then Craig would notice me.

Emma

My mother had said she made the same stupid mistake twice. Being pregnant. I wasn't that upset. I mean, she was 15 when I was born. I know I wasn't exactly planned. Still, it hurt to hear her say it.

Hazel

I wanted Alex to go away. She was taking up too much of Paige's time. I narrowed my eyes at her, but she didn't even notice.

Jimmy

Spinner snuck me one of his Ritalin pills and I swallowed it, imagined I could feel the extra energy already. I needed some extra energy. School. Basketball. Everything. I needed help.

Craig

I sat on the couch, Joey was driving Emma and Sean home. My dad was gonna kill me, he would, if he knew where I was. I hated him. Then Joey came back and looked at me all cautiously.

"How are you doing?" he said.

"Fine,"

"You want a drink? Something to eat?" he asked. I shook my head no.

Ashley

I saw the gold bracelet on Manny's wrist and I felt cold. How, how could he? He lied, he betrayed me. And I loved him. Now I was so mad I couldn't see.

Sean

Couldn't this end? Sitting in this circle with this ridiculous mask and talking about our feelings. God. Can't we just let it go? Rick was gone and I was a hero. So let it go.

Jimmy

Spinner had some new friends. Bible club or bible study or whatever. Fine. But I wouldn't forgive him. Sometimes I wanted to, felt like I maybe wanted to but then I'd remember. If he hadn't said that to Rick then Rick wouldn't have shot me. No. Spinner was dead to me. Wheeling around in the sun, carnival day, and there he was in the dunk tank. Maybe I couldn't walk but I still had a dead on aim. I'd take him down. I'd drown him in that dunk tank.

Manny

He'd changed. I didn't want to admit it but I guess it was true. Drugs. Cocaine. I couldn't handle that. That was beyond me. And he was different now. He wasn't the Craig I remembered.

Spinner

The doctor was talking about cancer. I could barely hear her. She was sort of old, little, gray/blond hair. My mom looked all sad next to me, she was calling me Gavin. She always does. The doctor's voice was this weird soft mumble. The only word that was clear was that word. Cancer.

Toby

It hurt, my teeth slamming into my lip against the drinking fountain. Jay. And I didn't need any help from Rick getting picked on. I had managed that plenty well all by myself.

Craig

Ashley looked good up on the stage, and I remembered that I loved her. I felt bad I hurt her, I did, and I didn't mean to hurt her, or Manny. It was like it just couldn't be helped, some train wreck that couldn't be stopped. She started singing, her voice melodic and angry. And the song went on and it was apparent she was singing about me. Jimmy and Spinner and Marco knew it, too, they all glanced over at me. I glared at Ashley. How could she do that to me?

Marco

I wanted to tell my dad about it, being gay. Being honest. And sometimes I'd try to bring it up but it was like he knew, and he was willing me not to say anything. So I didn't. I couldn't. But I couldn't be this lie for much longer.

Jimmy

I heard the noise from the gun after I felt the bullet, and it stung. It was hot. I might have screamed, but the scream got caught up in the noise from the gun and I couldn't really tell. Then everything went black.

Marco

There were so many of them, this dark park at night, and they were in their 20's at least. One held onto me and the others punched and kicked and then I was on the ground but they still didn't stop. They didn't stop.

Alex

This one was a real jerk, and my mother wasn't here but he was and he filled the doorway to my room, blocking out all the light. He smelled like a brewery. I wanted to throw up. When he spoke it was all a drunken slur and I just wished he'd pass out. But he came toward me instead.

Craig

Thoughts racing again, I felt like I did before but I recognized it now. It was the bipolar. That's why I felt so hyper, so strung out. And if I could finish this song for the movie, the song me and Ashley were supposed to do together, if I could finish it then Ash would see that I wasn't crazy. It would prove it to her. The streets were all wet, it kept raining. Skinny was next to me tapping on his trash can drums. I was working on my song and then he grabbed the neck of the guitar.

"What the hell is that?" he said, so mean. I didn't expect that.

"I'm working on my song," I said.

"What song?" he was mad, teeth gritted, glaring at me. I was getting nervous.

"The one for the Kevin Smith movie," I said. I was sure I'd told him about this.

"You're not going to work on any song. When you're with me you do what I say and follow my lead,"

I stared at him, looked down. The sudden anger like that reminded me of my fucking father and it was like…I felt that young again, and afraid. So I nodded and hoped his anger would go away.

Liberty

We were outside and it was cold, clear cold night air, and I had my arms around J.T. Yelling for help. No one was here, no one heard me. J.T. was bleeding, bleeding so much, and he was so pale, and not breathing right. I called out again but only the silence answered. We were alone.

Dylan

He was so young, God, so young. So yummy, but way too young. Maybe. I stared at Marco when he wasn't looking, those black eyes, black hair, gorgeous Italian tan. The way he ducked his head like that. There was really no question, I would have him eventually.

Terri

Even dressed up all fancy I still looked horrible. What I wouldn't give to have the cute little body that Ashley had, that Paige had. Drinking the alcohol with Paige did make me feel better at first. I was pretty, too, I knew it. I could lose the weight. Sure I could.

Jimmy

The gym looked funny, the gold afternoon light coming in through the high windows. It was just me and Spin in here, and he was kneeling in front of me and crying, and the wheelchair still felt all funny. Too bulky.

"We told Rick, me and Jay, we told Rick that you set it up, that you blew the question on purpose…"

Oh no no no. Darkness. It was one thing to think that Rick was a psycho nut and he shot me and I had been picking on him, before. It was another thing to think that Spinner made him shoot me. Spinner.

"Then he shot me," I said.

Paige

The judge looked at me all sympathetic but she said she had no choice but to find Dean not guilty. No choice? Didn't what I said matter at all? No, I guess not. I guess Dean can do whatever he damn well pleases.

Craig

What the hell did it matter anyway? I couldn't see Angela, Joey yelled at me, my dad yelled at me. I wouldn't do anything. But I still had all this money. I'd take off. I could just go to British Columbia by myself.

Emma

Jay was exciting. He didn't care about anything, he was a criminal. Maybe I could be more like him. What good had all the caring done? The world was too hard to change. Why try so hard to change it? Maybe Jay knew that. Maybe he was smarter than me.

Spinner

Jimmy came up, telling me to go and have that operation. It was all gray and cloudy out, which was fine. I didn't care. I was gonna die anyway.

Marco

So Dylan was gone. So what? People go. I sat in the chair in the corner of the room, a textbook open near me but unread. I hadn't read anything in weeks. Couldn't concentrate. So he was gone and never coming back and so what? That happened.

Ellie

Looking out the car window, Jay driving fast. Going back to Toronto. Leaving Sean behind.

Ashley

It was confusing. Paige and Terri and them, talking about that stupid jean commercial. I just didn't get it, I wasn't on their wavelength anymore. Walking through the woods to meet Craig and practice that skit we had to do, but maybe we were wrong about it. Jimmy wanted me to look like I used to but why? Not out of spite but out of love. He loved me. I loved him.

Terri

Outside, in the alleyway, and Rick was squeezing my wrist, twisting my arm. The look in his eyes was scary. I didn't know him at all.

Paige

I saw Spinner and Jimmy outside, holding red cups, laughing. Damn it. They were here. I'd have to make a quick get away.

"Dean," I said, "let's go upstairs,"

Liberty

Detention hall, but boy was it worth it. Raditch just didn't get it. We couldn't have some cutesy musical. That wouldn't make anything better.

"What you said, standing up to Raditch like that, brilliant," J.T. said, and I felt that stomach twisting satisfaction.

Manny

Every time I saw Craig I felt guilty, ever since the…you know. Abortion. Every time I saw his pale face and dark curls, big sad eyes, I wanted to cry. I killed our child. But I had to. I had to.

Craig

I walked up to my front door with Joey, my old front door, I guess. My dad's house. I used to feel sort of afraid every time I came up to this door but not this time. I wouldn't have to feel that way ever again.

Ellie

Cutting myself at school, dumb. But I just felt so…so unable to help it. I had to do it. But now I was bleeding too much, blood splashing into the sink and Paige walked in. Paige of all people and she was looking at me all concerned. Take your concern and shove it.


	4. Chapter 4

Craig

My dad talked to Joey. Shit. I felt such dread when I got to my house. I didn't want to go, to tell you the truth. The camera was over my shoulder, the taste of the barbequed hot dog in my mouth. Maybe it would be okay. I mean, maybe my dad wasn't even mad. And I had to go. I had no choice.

Spinner

I got to the hospital and Paige and Hazel were already there. Hazel was crying, looking through the glass at Jimmy. I couldn't stay. It was all my fault.

Ashley

I laughed, my mother so serious. We were in the kitchen drying dishes and talking about dad.

"It's not like he's gay or something," I said, and laughed. He couldn't be gay.

Alex

I could smell his sour beer breath as I struggled in his arms. I hated these…these _men_.

"Get off of me," I said, my teeth clenched, and I struggled to push him away but he tightened up on me.

Jimmy

Toby was standing at my locker. I even felt a little happy to be around him because he was a link to Ash. That was crazy.

"I was thinking about what you said, about mastering a difficult move, you said you should leave it alone for a little while," Toby said, and looked at me from behind his black rimmed glasses.

"Yeah?" I said, putting my books away, thinking about Ashley.

"That's similar to girls, in a way. To relationships,"

I got it, all of a sudden. He was giving me a message. I wasn't giving Ash enough space.

Darcy

Every day I tried to pretend that things were fine, that I was fine. That it didn't matter, that ski weekend and what happened. It didn't matter. But there was this rage I'd never felt before, and everything bothered me. Every kid at this school, every teacher, and when anyone told me what to do I just wanted to scream at them, "fuck you!"

Alex

My mother making coffee even though she was hung over. I could see the faint bruises on her shoulders and arms. I heard the bubbling hissing sounds of the coffee pot starting up. I sat on the cheap old couch and watched the old T.V. that barely came in, my arms crossed, not saying anything.

"Alex, you want some coffee? Some juice?" mom said, and the sun came in strong through the window. There were no curtains. Why did she pretend that everything was fine?

Craig

It kept raining. The streets were slick, and it was cold. I could see my breath. I felt all stiff from sleeping outside. I was hungry, sort of. When Skinny wasn't watching I'd go to the soup kitchens and get something to eat. He wouldn't go there. But he was watching too much so I couldn't go often.

"We don't go there, Craig," he'd say, his teeth gritted together, glaring at me like he was gonna hit me or something. We didn't make all that much playing music on the street, people dropping quarters or dimes into the case, sometimes dollars. Mostly nothing, they'd just walk by.

Liberty

I couldn't get used to J.T. being gone. It had been two months and it still felt like yesterday. I loved him, I'd been in love with him since seventh grade and I was still in love with him. I guessed that it would never change.

Sean

Jail. I should have known I was headed for this place, but it was like I got so many second chances I started to believe I'd be okay. I wore the denim colored jumpsuit uniform, my long hair pulled back into a ponytail. Surrounded by men. Criminals. I wouldn't act afraid. I wasn't afraid, not really. I could fight if I had to. I just wish I could see Emma.

Manny

How could I be so stupid? Letting that sleazy new kid film me like that? And what did I say, that I was going to be an actress and he could sell the video for a million dollars? I wanted to crawl under the floor. So drunk. So stupid. And now he e-mailed the damn thing to everybody at Degrassi but that wasn't the worst thing. No. The worst thing was that Craig saw it.

Emma

Fuck values. I used to have them, I used to believe in things. Not anymore. Jay's van smelled weird. Like pot and incense. He was kind of cute, in that derelict sort of way. But I liked that. Look at Sean. Jay closed his eyes and put his hand on the back of my head.

Alex

All these men smelled so…strong. Like chewing tobacco and vodka, whiskey and beef jerky. Crying while he pawed at me, trying to take my clothes off. They were so strong. And they never noticed the tears.

Ashley

I wanted Craig to go to Ellie's group. I mean, she liked it. She said it helped her. He needed help. He needed something, some support. And I could see that the group did help Ellie. I knew he didn't want anyone to know, that he didn't want people to think he was crazy. Maybe I should have respected that more. But I was only trying to help. I went up to him at his locker, he looked at me, slammed his locker, and walked away.

Paige

I saw Dean's car parked outside the fraternity party. I had the keys to Spinner's car in my hand. I wanted to drive a car right through Dean's head. Somehow he'd pay for what he did to me.

Sean

The nights are the worst. It's not just that the cot is uncomfortable, which it is. It's not just the noises. The yells and the swears and the screams. It's the fact that I can never get to sleep, and all that I can think about is Emma.

Craig

I left, after Joey said he wanted rent. He wouldn't ask Angie that. She was seven and that wasn't the only reason it was different. She was his. I wasn't, not really. I just stayed there. I didn't really belong anywhere. Not for a long time. So I had to go somewhere. I thought of calling Ashley but decided not to. We were just becoming friends again, I didn't want to show up at her house a fucked up mess. That would not be cool. So I called Sean, and felt time doubling back on itself.

Ellie

I heard the smoke alarm and saw the black smoke filling the house. Mom was passed out at the kitchen table, the empty bottles in front of her. _How much did you drink today, mom? _Oh, sigh. The alarm screaming in my head and the black smoke making it hard to breath and I coughed and I yanked my mother up and out of the chair, dragged her to the door and pulled her out.

Marco

I could still feel it, all those bruises and the achy feeling from getting beat up last night. My face was a mess. I felt stupid even walking around like this. You know, I was done. I wouldn't be gay, I wouldn't be straight, I wouldn't be anything at all. Maybe then people could leave me alone.

Emma

I watched the off white substance go through the tube that went into my stomach. Tube feeding. And I could feel it filling my stomach with all those sickening calories and I wanted to throw them up, to exercise them off, to get rid of them. I still wanted to be thin.

Alex

Night time, in my room with a cretin. Closed my eyes and pretended to be somewhere else, anywhere else.

Manny

Over and over everyone opened up that e-mail and I stripped again and again. Mortifying.

Darcy

I kicked the bucket full of the water hard. It splashed all over the hallway floor. Good. It felt good.

Craig

There was this rich guy getting out of a big expensive car. I trailed behind Skinny and he stopped, so I stopped.

"Are you gonna ask him for money?" I said, and Skinny shook his head.

"Why ask when I can take it?"

So I tried to stop him, grabbed onto his arm and the rich guy got into his car and drove away. Skinny punched me in the face, knocking me back, but I didn't fall.

"What was that for?"

J.T.

An ambulance. I heard the siren as if from far away. Liberty was still here but I was fading. Things were so unreal.

Sean

These guys didn't make sense to me. Standing in the lunch line, eerily similar to high school lunch lines, and pretty much smelled the same, too, some guy punches me out of the blue. I saw these black exploding stars.

Terri

Drama class, and there's Rick, the last person I want to see. And of course we're partners and have to play that trust game where you let the other person catch you. Well, I don't trust him.

"You don't think I'd let you fall, do you?" he said.

Rick

Still in my suit, the paint and feathers drying on me, I didn't care. They'd all care by the time this was done. Maybe they were still all laughing at me, that was okay. I'd take them out. Every last one of them.

Craig

It was cool to be with Angela in the park, even though Emma didn't want us to go. I could tell. She knew I wasn't supposed to be around her, around Angela, my own sister. Laughing, playing with her, falling on the grass. Then she lands square on my side right where dad kicked me so fucking hard and I wince, pull away. She sees it, though.

"What is that?" she says, pointing, and my shirt had pulled up and she could see it, see right where he kicked me and it was all black and blue. I yanked my shirt down. For a split second I thought of telling her, confessing it all to a five year old. Shit, I was getting so sick of lying.

Liberty

I couldn't get over things. The baby, I still felt this emptiness. I thought it would be okay to give him up because it made sense to do that. And J.T. I missed him so much and it wasn't getting better. I dragged myself to school every day and forced myself to go through the motions.

Alex

He left, stumbled off drunk. Asshole. I hugged myself tight and rocked in the bed, knowing that sleep wouldn't come.

Terri

I woke up in a hospital bed and felt the huge bandage on my head, felt the splitting headache like a knife through my thoughts.

Paige

I narrowed my eyes at her. Ashley. What did she know about rape? Just some stuff she read on the internet? Then she goes and writes a song about it? I mean, yeah, I wanted her lyrics to win the contest because her stuff was deep and all but God, she had to write about _this?_

Darcy

Oh my god that drink hit me harder than I thought, and when I fell to the bed I could have sworn there was someone behind me.

Ellie

I put all his stuff into one big box and sealed it up. Sean Cameron, Wasaga Beach. Now the apartment was mine and I was alone. Figures.

Toby

Walking away from his grave through the snow, and it still looked kind of blue. My breath pluming out in front of me. I was never more lonely than when I was walking away from his grave.

Jimmy

Craig burst into the hospital room, dressed in some suit jacket and fancy shirt and his jeans.

"I've got news, big news!" he said, putting down about a million bags and he was wired, like he was smoking crack or something.

"Ready?" he says, and pulls down the jeans. I close my eyes, shake my head, put up my hand.

"No," I say, shaking my head, "no,"

I peeked at him, and he tossed the jeans aside and pulled on the pants to the suit. One thing I had to hand to Craig, he didn't come in here asking how I was and all that maudlin crap. I got enough of that from everyone else. Craig pretty much only talked about himself.

Sean

Drug addicts. Damn it. I couldn't stand this, this prison. Weak sunlight coming in the small windows. Standing in lines, being looked down upon by guards and wardens. Getting shoved around. I hated it here.

Jay

Emma was so pretty. So damn innocent. Little greenpeace. Man, was it exciting to see her coming through the woods, seeking me out. Secret little bad girl. I could corrupt her.

Ashley

Paige was a bitch, that was the bottom line. And I thought we were friends? You know, that ecstasy thing was just one mistake. Obviously Paige could never let it go. So I'd cry today but that would be it. Screw them, screw Paige and Hazel and Terri. I didn't need them.

Manny

In his garage, _his, _Craig's garage, and he looked so, so good. His curly hair and big eyes that were kind of hazel or greenish brown. Funny eyes. And his lips that were so…sexy…and I just wanted him to kiss me. I liked it here, the decoration lights and all the posters and everything. It was neat, like a video. Craig looked nervous. Maybe he was thinking of Ashley. But Ashley missed out, she lost him, she didn't deserve him. Not like I did.

Craig

Goddamn it Joey, stop calling. The phone rang and my dad said Joey and he got that look, that dark angry look and I was gonna get it. That's what that look meant. So I ran up the stairs and into my room and locked the doors and called Sean. I had to leave cause dad was gonna beat me. I had to go and then I hear him coming up the stairs and the phone is ringing in my ear…_c'mon Sean pick up…_and dad taps the golf club on the door…_Craig open up this door_…tap tap tap and Sean answers and I'm trying to talk to him…_this is my house and when I say open the door you open the door!…_yeah Sean hey man what are you doing tonight?…and I can hear the golf club tapping on the door and then it slams into the door…_open this door now!…_and I almost move to do it, what am I crazy? The golf club slams into the door again and I jerk back into the corner of my room and he's hit me with golf clubs before, with belts and other shit, whatever is around…it slams into the door and I finish packing all my shit and throw the bag out the window, hang up the phone and take off. I'm out of here.

Emma

I want to throw up, but they watch me. Nurses and other staff people and they say my electrolytes are off and that I have to get better. But I don't care about getting better. I care about being skinny and I want to be skinny even if it means throwing up.

Manny

I said it was okay and it was, whatever he wanted to do was okay. On his couch and he unbuttons my shirt and I close my eyes. I loved him, he could do whatever he wanted to.

Liberty

J.T.'s locker. Filled with all his stuff, and it was like that stuff didn't know he wasn't coming back. Each thing makes him more dead. Emptying the locker, the memorial service, all of it just makes him more dead, more a part of the past.

Ashley

Wow, still in high school. I felt so over it now, like I didn't belong here because I was too old. Most of the class is gone, graduated. It was all crowded with Lakehurst students and all their drama but I didn't care about that. It wasn't my concern. I didn't belong here anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

****

Emma

All these other boys, Peter and Damian and whoever else, they aren't real. I'm just slumming. The boy I really want is Sean.

****

Manny

Maybe I had to freak. I was going coo coo bananas. My fake engagement with Jay had become real.

****

Liberty

It was sad, sadder than I thought it would be. I mean, putting on all this graduation stuff, cap and gown and my speech in my hand. It was so sad without J.T.

****

Ellie

I didn't feel weird about it. We were older now, we were mature. Sexuality wasn't set in stone. So I slept with my best friend who also happened to be gay. I didn't feel weird at all.

****

Spinner

I was like, dude, did you see his spaghetti bridge? And I was failing again. Everyone had all these plans, all these goals, and I thought I did, too, once. Now they were getting, I don't know, murky. Where was I going?

****

Toby

I blew Holly J. off and it felt good to do it, to be in control for once. I said Toby Isaacs calls the shots, although that hasn't historically been true. But maybe I blew her off because I was scared.

****

Alex

I'm split in two when I dance, up on the stage, the lights almost burning me, turning me into a photo negative. I'm sexy and I know it, the crystal clear high heels like balancing on glass. The pole, so smooth and true, my only friend. I'm good and I know it. But I can feel their eyes on me, crawling on me, making me dirty.

****

Paige

Uh, yeah, hon. I was gaining weight, the freshman 15. Although, technically, I wasn't a freshman. Not anymore. But it was okay. I didn't need to be a Banting girl to be happy.

****

Jimmy

My dad, you know, he could be such a two faced bastard. He's never accepted me, not since the shooting. I couldn't be that basketball star, that kid. I was a man now and had been since Rick pointed that gun at me. I'd been through the fire and that earned me the right to make my own decisions. But he wouldn't see it. He fought me at every turn.

****

Jay

Manny, Jesus. I was crazy about her. In the car when I talked about our kids, Dakota and Madison, I wasn't kidding. I want to marry and procreate with that girl.

****

Darcy

So it was easier to be around people at school and myself lately. Easier to let go of that shaky feeling. Sure, I still wanted to hide in my shell, I still wanted to pull away from every touch, but it was getting better. I knew it was.

****

Ashley

I almost felt like we had come full circle, even though I wasn't so sure what I meant by that. But getting those e-mails from him, talking to him on the phone, making the plans, it felt good. I think I was away from Craig for long enough to see how I felt, to feel how I felt. I wasn't recoiling from the whole bipolar thing anymore. And he's had time to deal with it, to accept it. Now maybe we could put it behind us.

****

Craig

I still wanted cocaine. I wanted it but I wouldn't use it. I still wanted to ditch my meds but I took them. I wanted to run away from all the thoughts and memories and emotions tied up in my father but I wouldn't. I was facing them. I know he loved me and that's been the hardest part for me. I guess the hardest part is finally forgiving him.


	6. Chapter 6

****

Craig

I kinda knew that she wasn't coming back. Ashley. We didn't leave things off all that great. The last time I'd seen her she was crying. And she was crying because of me. But I was delusional. I'd convinced myself that she was coming back, that she just needed a break. Shit, I wished I could take a break from the stupid bipolar thing. But then Spin said that thing about being sorry about Ashley and how I deserved better and whatever. So I knew for sure then. I just wish Ellie hadn't told Spinner.

****

Hazel

It was hurting me so much. Paige and Alex? Jimmy practically drooling over Ellie. Everyone was deserting me.

****

Toby

I felt guilty for wanting to kiss Liberty and J.T. was dead. What would he care now? But I felt like he did still care, his spirit or something. Maybe I should leave Liberty alone.

****

Darcy

I had that feeling like it just rained really hard but now the sky was clear. A sort of exhausted, recovering feeling. I wrapped my arms around myself and wondered if I was getting any better.

****

Paige

That test, I was unprepared. And as the professor kept droning out questions I felt the panic rising like water, like smoke, like fog. Implacable. Impossible. I could hardly breathe.

****

Peter

My parents didn't know just how much they sucked. I mean, my dad. He shoves me in this broom closet with all his other unwanted stuff. And my mom? Bouncing me around from one place to the next for whatever is convenient for her. They don't give a shit about me, either one of them.

****

Terri

I saw the rose taped to my locker and I felt something I didn't usually feel. Happiness.

****

Emma

I wouldn't be weak. I wouldn't eat like a pig. I'd be beautiful and slender and all the things I wanted to be. Eating made me feel guilty. It was failure.

****

Manny

The world kind of trembled right then. First day of eighth grade and that boy gets out of this car. Tall, not exactly cute or anything but interesting. Like he could become cute. I didn't know his name but I knew that I would. Things shimmered for a moment there. I knew he'd end up effecting me.

****

Ellie

Just this one shallow scratch and I'll feel better. I can hear my mom's heavy breathing in the living room. She was passed out on the couch. My dad was god knew where. I couldn't even watch the news because every time I saw that desert and the sand whipping the cameras and heard explosions I knew it could be him. So just one tiny scratch, just barely cutting into the surface. And when the blood comes the pain goes away.


	7. Chapter 7

Alex

I sat on the couch with the familiar scowl on my face. Arms crossed. My mother's asshole boyfriend was drinking beer in the kitchen. Beer. It was nine in the morning. He smelled like alcohol, it flowed from his pores. I stared out the window, the dirty streaked all to hell window.

Craig

Joey ordered pizza and Angie was laughing and telling him about something and I was sitting at the table. Just sitting at the table under the swinging light, and I felt sort of included but sort of not. My dad was probably working, or maybe he was at home thinking about how I had screwed him over. I was sure he wasn't taking responsibility. Why should he do that? So I had to take responsibility. And I wished that I could be a part of this family, a real part of things with Joey and Angela. But I couldn't.

Jay

Cameron came at me, his new long hair sort of looking ridiculous in that ponytail. The rock star look was not for him. So he came at me in that garage, swinging, the pissed off look on his face. So I screwed around with Emma. He'd get over it.

Liberty

Derek asked me about giving up the baby. I wanted to send him through the wall. So here it was. He was adopted, and I'll bet he had all these abandonment issues and attachment issues and he was probably scarred for life. I didn't want to hear it.

J.T.

My mother was going out again. Dad had taken off years ago. She dumped me off with grandma.

"Come on, James Tiberious, we'll do something fun!" grandma said, all that enthusiasm. But there was something desperate beneath it.

Sean

Emma's mom offered me leftovers, and maybe it was that innocent. They had extra. But I didn't get home cooked meals at my house, just canned chef Boyardee and macaroni and cheese. Tracker wasn't my mom. Oodles of noodles and shit like that. So maybe she wasn't pointing out my poverty and my lack of things I needed, but it felt like it. It really did.

Emma

It was great that my mom was with Snake. Great. Just great. And he was being a really great dad, he was really trying, I could see that. But I already had a dad. One who had abandoned me and everything, but still. Shane. I had to find my real dad.

Manny

Finally, the strange grip Craig had on my heart was letting go. I wanted to be with Jay. It felt right. It didn't feel obsessional psychotic delusional, like I so often felt with Craig. It felt real.

Ashley

I wanted to be class president so bad I could taste it. Damn that little toad Toby. Why did he want to take everything away from me?


	8. Chapter 8

Emma

The regular school day had become a nightmare. Rick held that gun and pointed it at me, and I felt my knees grow weak. He could kill me. He really could. Or he could kill Toby or Sean. I saw it in his eyes. I saw that he was already gone.

Claire

I knew it was stupid to wear my old school uniform, but I felt comfortable in it. I felt protected in it. It was order and conformity and School, school with a capital "S". I'd feel too exposed going to school in the clothes I wore on weekends, jeans and casual shirts and all of that. I'd feel naked. I wasn't like Darcy.

Jane

I watched as Spinner lined up the shot, leaning over the green felt of the pool table, and the light swinging over his head. His hair was growing back but his cheeks were still a little sunken in from the weight loss. Before he took his shot he looked up and smiled at me, winked. I felt warm and happy when he looked at me suddenly like that.

Jimmy

Physio. It was another word for hell. Everything here was a struggle. I could still close my eyes and see myself before Rick shot me. I could see how I'd run across a court with ease, with a natural grace, leaping up and making the shots. Now everything was a struggle, and all natural grace was gone. I was kind of like a deer that's been shot, laying on the ground near a bush with blood running out of my mouth and the glazed look in my eyes.

Craig

My finger sort of trembled on the camera, and I was looking through the lens at Joey and Angela. They were my family, sort of. It's not like I ever saw them except for sneaking around. But I could take some pictures and sort of have them that way. It was easier to look at the world through the camera lens anyway. It made things seem safe.

Manny

Emma had her crusades and that was fine. Well, now I had mine. I wasn't going to be some sweet cute girl anymore that all the cool boys wouldn't look at twice. Paige was right. If I didn't like my image I should just change it. And I would. Everyone would look twice.

Peter

My mother got this look in her eyes when she was talking to my dad, it was this look of almost pure evil. She hated him. And what's more, I think she hated the part of me that was like him.

Toby

So J.T. had ditched me for the cool kids. So what? There was really no reason it should bother me so much. It was no big deal. I contemplated my next chess move and watched J.T. laughing with Paige and Manny over Kendra's head. It didn't matter at all.

Craig

"Hi, you must be Craig," This woman said this as I got out of the cab at the rehab place Joey had booked. I felt like shit. I was crashing hard, except for the fact that I hadn't taken any psych meds in months so my thoughts were almost racing. I rubbed a hand over my cheek and felt the stiff stubble. I was sure I looked as great as I felt.

"Yeah," I said, looking at her smiling face and neatly pulled back blond hair. Well, this was her job. She saw strung out losers walk into this place everyday.

"It's nice to meet you," she said, and she sounded so sincere that I almost believed her.

Alex

The music was pretty good, and it was cool to be in the VIP room at this premier party. Paige danced all sexy in her fancy shirt and jeans, and she kicked off those killer high heel shoes. I danced closer to her, all sinewy and sexy, too. I felt the circle growing around us as we became the center of attention.

Marco

I just stared at Dylan surrounded by his hockey stuff and the letters from Switzerland. I guessed he was really going. He was really choosing hockey over me.

Spinner

Okay, Jimmy needed my Ritalin so he could have energy for the game and school and all of that. No big deal. And it was my last pill, but hey, Jimmy was my friend. He needed it. I was sure I could handle it. I'd be fine.


	9. Chapter 9

Craig

I felt the money in my pocket, that thick wad of money that I'd felt there all day. I knew it wouldn't last long. I could get to British Columbia but then what? I reached out in the dark and touched the letters of my mother's name on the stone. Then what? But it didn't matter. I couldn't go back.

Spinner

Somehow I knew about this religious stuff, even though I didn't have the words for it, I knew something. Darcy was pretty and nice and everything but she wasn't really the girl for me. I knew that. And this religious friendship club stuff was just a different sort of drug I was using to get me through.

Ashley

I was in the line for pictures. It was picture day in ninth grade and I knew that my friends were gone. I didn't care about the picture or about them. I wore this old ratty sweatshirt and the photographer guy told me to smile. If only he knew what I'd been through he wouldn't say that. He'd know how stupid it was.

Liberty

It was the worst longing I'd ever known. In the moment that the social worker took the baby away, I knew I'd made the wrong decision.

Jimmy

I wheeled the chair beside Ellie, and for the first time since the shooting I felt whole. The museum behind us, those comic book pictures that spoke to me. This was something I could do that didn't depend on my former life. I could see how Ellie's hair was a deep red in the sun and I knew that I couldn't go back to that life. That life was over.

J.T.

I'd been adding up the costs in my head. Yeah, Liberty was pregnant. Yeah, I wanted to take care of everything. Provide everything. But I was in grade 11 and worked at this shitty drugstore. I was adding up the costs of apartments and groceries and diapers and formula and slashing it with the time I'd be in school and adding up the hours I worked and minimum wage. What it all added up to was that I couldn't afford to do this.

Jay

When the teacher said I had to go to the principal's office I knew Spinner had spilled his guts. I told him not to, I told him all he'd lose but he didn't listen, and now I'd have to pay.

Craig

I sat on the hard bench, everyone all dressed up in their black and somber clothes. The tie around my neck was choking me. I stared at the coffin that held the body of my father. All that fear, all that hate, now it was just a wooden box in front of me and memories. So I tried to listen to what people were saying. Some guy I barely knew, some doctor that worked with my dad, he was saying how fatherhood was the best thing that ever happened to my dad. It was bullshit. If this guy knew half of it. But he kept on, "father hood was the best gift, his son Craig a gift he never wanted to relinquish," Bullshit. I couldn't help laughing.

Ellie

I felt so tired, you know, dropping my dad off at the train station so he could go off to war. I could see in his eyes he thought it would be fun. Some adventure. Grow up. And my mother dove into a bottle as soon as we got home. I went up to my room and laid on the floor, the rug rough and scratchy under my cheek.


	10. Chapter 10

J.T.

Wow, you know, Manny was really so pretty. Not like Paige, not all blond and "look at me" sort of. She was pretty in a more subtle way. I looked at her sitting on the couch with her arms crossed, so clearly uncomfortable. But she agreed to come to my "commercial premier party" despite being so fed up with everyone. I mean, who could blame her? Her little thing with Craig was public knowledge. And all people did was talk.

Ashley

I couldn't take it. Seeing Craig in the halls at school every day after what he did was so hard. And he was still so thoughtless about it, so smug. He didn't care who he hurt or anything. Nothing mattered except what Craig wanted. I couldn't stand it. This battle of the bands thing wasn't just some little battle of the bands for fun, for whatever prize they were offering. No. It was personal. It was between me and him.

Craig

Ashley. God. She makes that T-shirt with my face on it, all melting. She was so pissed. And I apologized to her again, but kind of fed up and pissed off. I'd told her I was sorry like a hundred times. What was I supposed to do? Turn back time? What happened with Manny happened, I couldn't change it now. So I'm apologizing to her again, saying it like a million times and then I say, "how many times do I have to say it?" And she says, "until you mean it,"

And it was like all of a sudden I got it. It's like I got how I wasn't getting it. I'd been so blind to the whole thing, and she was right. I was only thinking about myself. It kind of changed it when I thought about her. And that did it. The writer's block I'd been stuck in dissolved and I ducked out to find an empty classroom so I could write it all down before our set.

Paige

It was this perfect day. Spin got his new car and we were off down the highway, wind in our hair. The radio was on and playing away. I smiled at my honeybee. Perfect. And then the cop comes over to us and gives me the court thing. I looked at it kind of uncomprehending at first. Court? What did that have to do with my life? And then the cop says it, he mentions the sexual assault from '02 and it just soured everything.

Ellie

This was hard for me. I didn't know I'd be so bad at this. Sean was great, I mean, I felt all connected to him and everything. But I wasn't good at this. I didn't want to change my life for him, bend for him. So I brought Marco along to our dates so I wouldn't have to, so I wouldn't have to be intimate. So I wouldn't have to feel threatened.

Manny

This wasn't going to end. All the stares, the talking and the whispers. I knew what they were saying. They were saying slut. They were saying I got pregnant and got an abortion. They were saying I was easy. Well, they didn't know. They weren't there. They didn't know that I loved him, that I still loved him despite all the pain he caused. But why weren't they talking about him in the same way? What he'd done was worse. I didn't cheat on anybody. He did.

Marco

Was I actually feeling sorry for Spinner? He, he practically pulled the trigger that ruined Jimmy's life. But he was involved in that religious zealot group and following that weird Linus guy around and just, I don't know. I guess I was feeling sorry for him. I'd give him another chance. Didn't everyone deserve one?


	11. Chapter 11

Spinner

I felt my heart racing. First, I heard some strange noises. Then I see those scrambled eggs cooking on the stove, and I'm like what the fuck? At first I thought it was Jay playing some elaborate joke, hiding out and cooking eggs but then I remembered Jay wasn't even coming in today. Then I hear the noise by the boiler room again and I'm like, movie set, American directors and shit, what if it's some kind of American trouble? You never know. So then someone walks past me, black hoodie on and I didn't even think, I just tackled him. Arm twisted behind his back and everything, whoever he was, he wasn't getting away. But it turned out to just be Craig.

Manny

Oh my God, oh my God. I had a bad feeling. Emma said she was watching that nature show and it wasn't even on and now no one was home! She was going to meet Jordan somewhere, God only knew where. And that could be so dangerous. I mean, it's the internet. What if it's some psycho killer pretending to be Jordan? The nervous feeling just grew and grew and I got up, ran to J.T.'s house for help. Maybe J.T. and Toby could help.

Sean

I watched Craig run. I watched the dust get all kicked up. I was still laying on those sharp little white rocks by the edge of the train tracks. He was going to just let that train hit him, I saw it in his eyes. That was one fucked up kid. So I sat up and I wanted to be done with him. I'd just met him. I could let it go. But then, you know, that nagging little feeling. What was he gonna do? Huh? Go to British Columbia? And do what? That little bit of money, no matter how much it was, would run out sooner or later. If someone didn't jump him for it. And he'd probably try to kill himself again and with no one around to help him he'd succeed. Shit. I got up and started the slow walk to Emma's house. Emma would know what to do.

J.T.

Dean. That, that jerk. I just couldn't believe what he did to Paige. He was a criminal. And there he was, walking around like everybody else. Playing basketball like he, like he belonged here or something and not in some jail cell, where he really belonged. I glared at him through the eyes of the mascot head, shooting daggers. He hurt Paige. Paige, who was so, so cool, and so beautiful. I could kill him. I could take him down. I ran out on that basketball court and pummeled him.

Ashley

Maybe I sensed it, you know? With Craig, things were perfect. Or maybe I just fooled myself into thinking they were perfect. He couldn't really say he loved me. That was a problem. But I tried to understand, tried to accept that he said it in other ways, not so much with words. But lately he'd seemed so attentive, so in tune with me and everything. That was only because he was lying through his teeth and trying to hide Manny. But now I knew. I'd seen the bracelet around her wrist and I got the truth out of her. And we had to go onstage? How screwed up was that? And he was still lying, still smiling and being all nice like nothing was wrong. Like he wasn't screwing Manny in empty classrooms or under the bleachers. On stage, and he starts the song we wrote together, and then it's my turn and I can't do it. I can't live this lie or let him get away with it. I stand up and slap him as hard as I can across the face, and I can hear the echo of that slap as I walk away.

Craig

Okay, so I'd been kind of consumed with my own problems, like I usually was. But still, I noticed what was going on with Joey. He was fighting with Caitlin. He was mostly dealing with me since I had another episode. Ashley dumped me, I ran away, that whole thing. And he's like totally there for me. But all the while Caitlin and him are fighting, and Kevin Smith is kind of flirting with Caitlin. It hurts Joey, I see that, even through the haze of being manic and being so hurt by Ashley. So after Joey comes and gets me at the soup kitchen and I'm back on my meds and somewhat coherent again he tells me that we have to start talking. 'Craig,' he says, 'when things are bothering you you can tell me, and I won't just assume it's the bipolar. Okay? I'm sorry for doing that. But we have to talk,' Okay, that's all well and good, but then when the movie wrapped and Caitlin's hugging Kevin Smith I see Joey's face. And he walks out and I follow him. 'You said we should talk, remember?' I said, stopping him from walking out, 'it goes both ways,'

Toby

The computer was always for fun. Education, too, I guess. But education always kind of came to me, it was just something that happened. The computer was fun. Breaking codes, writing programs, learning all the ins and outs of it, I mean, it was cool. Then Manny shows up at J.T.'s frantic. Emma might have met some nut from the net. This was serious. Kids got killed this way. Emma should have been smarter, but that was besides the point now. She wasn't. I could find out information about this internet guy. I knew how to get passwords and how to find out what I needed to. Now the fun stuff was for real, for life or death, maybe.

Hazel

It changed. I thought Paige was upset because Dean hadn't called her after they hooked up at that party. I had it wrong. She was crying, she was jumpy, she looked like a wreck. Some guy not calling wouldn't make her act like that. In the bathroom at school, looking at our reflections in the mirror, her's red faced and crying and covering her face with her hands and mine all concerned, touching her shoulder and feeling the tenseness. She said she said no and he didn't stop, she said he just had sex with her despite her telling him no. I couldn't breath for a second. She said no. Didn't she get it? That was rape.

"Paige," I said, "you were raped,"

Emma

I was surprised to see Sean, since we weren't exactly talking. He looked serious, even more serious than usual, and he tells me what he suspects about Craig. That his father was abusive, I could see that. I mean, the guy won't even let him see his own sister! There are some control issues there. And plus I thought it was kind of strange the way he thanked me for inviting him to my mom's barbecue. He said he felt really comfortable there, which made me think he felt really uncomfortable someplace else, like home. So that part I got. The suicidal part was shocking, but not all that surprising either. Poor Craig. So I thought about it fast. Cops would be no good since they might scare Craig, or bring him back home or to some shelter thing that might be awful. Joey. Joey had to help since it was his step-son, and Joey would help. He was a good guy, despite his misguided notions about not letting Craig see Angela and all of that. When it got right down to it, Joey would help and do the right thing.

Spinner

I don't remember what I went back for but the minute I saw what was going on something just took over. There's all the T-shirts all around, the money box opened and empty, Jimmy being hit and shoved by some thug, another one ransacking the place. I got all focused. I didn't care if they had guns or what. I had to help Jimmy. I grabbed one guy and kicked the other, and soon they were both on the ground. It was like I knew exactly what to do to get the upper hand, like some Kung-Fu. Oh yeah. I was Bruce Lee.


	12. Chapter 12

Craig

I followed Joey into the house, feeling kind of dazed. I was pissed that Spinner called him when I told him not to. Whatever. I could see Caitlin looking at me with wide eyes. She was all surprised. I was supposed to be in England with Ashley. Then Joey starts yelling at Caitlin, blaming her for the whole England idea, and she starts yelling back, and I felt frozen. Closed my eyes, remembered my parents fighting. They fought because of me, too.

Ashley

I reached my hand across the table and held his. Jimmy. I didn't even notice the wheelchair, I told myself, but of course I noticed it. Craig was up on the stage, and I wasn't looking up at him. But I could hear his voice filling my ears.

Manny

Emma was clearly excited that we'd be roommates but I…I don't know. I loved Emma, of course I did. But I kind of thought we could move on.

Peter

I dug the toe of my sneaker into the little rocks that lined the roof of the school. I looked up at Darcy. She was crying, her eyes red. She was a mess. She was thin as a rail. I didn't think I could deal with this type of mess.

Craig

I thought about just not going. Manny wanted to meet me after school and I knew she'd have some bad news. I could come up with any excuse. Band practice. Extra help in science. Helping Joey with…something. Anything. But in the end I decided to go. There she was with her head down, sitting like an Indian on the edge of the stairs.

Alex

I sat on the couch and the sun came in full force. All it did was show how shitty all our furniture was. Ratty. Jay was sitting next to me on the couch and he put his arm around me and I shrugged out of his embrace, gave him a look that meant, 'back the fuck off,' I didn't want to be sitting here next to him, my mother smiling all drunk at him. I wanted to be sitting next to Paige. Guess that'll never happen.

Toby

I couldn't keep up this whole thing with Liberty and J.T. I couldn't be their go-between. I knew they still had feelings for each other. They were just stubborn, both of them. Well, I couldn't keep being their man in the middle.

Paige

Ashley ran up to us after that freaky new kid said that thing about child labor. Hazel or Terri said he was cute, but that kid was a freak. Falling asleep in homeroom, who does that? Anyway, Ashley comes running up to us like we'll just be willing to take her back with open arms. She called me a _hag._ Or maybe she doesn't remember.

Emma

This was the school my mom went to. Degrassi. It had that funny stillness that schools have during summer, all shut up and cool, the halls gleaming. Me and Manny and J.T. and Toby ran down the hall, and it was great to run in schools when no one was there. It was fun. But I kept thinking about Jordan and wondering if I had an e-mail from him. I couldn't wait to get home so I could check.


	13. Chapter 13

Ashley

Okay. Make the posters. They'll vote for me, of course they will. Class president of grade eight. Call Jimmy, go over his house, maybe kiss when his parents leave, if they're there at all. They're hardly ever there.

Toby

I, I won the computer thing. The programming thing, I kicked ass. But no one cares. Looking around at the kids, you know, they look bored. I guess it's boring. Then they announce the wrestling thing that Sean won and they're all clapping, animation coming back into their faces. I guess that got their attention.

Emma

So Mr. Simpson was over the house a lot. A lot. I saw the looks between him and my mom. And Manny danced with Craig at the dance and that proved one thing…he liked her and not me. So I was left out. My mom had Mr. Simpson and Manny had Craig and who did I have? No one, that's who.

Jimmy

I looked around the kitchen, at all the shiny appliances and all the expensive things. Everything was expensive. Maybe this would impress Ashley, but really, why would it? It wasn't me, it was my parents. They were the rich ones. And they were the ones who were never home. That's why I liked to hang out at Ash's place, sometimes.

Craig

My dad had come by the school and it just threw me, you know? I hadn't seen him in months. Then he just shows up. I sat on the edge of a desk in homeroom and listened to Ashley talk about how people could change, and talk about her and Paige having this fight but now they were giving each other a second chance. It wasn't the same. This situation with me and my dad, it wasn't the same at all.

Ashley

Europe. Again. I'd been to Europe before, I'd been to England. When I went then I was fleeing from Craig. I had to get away. Now I was going with him. It was all different. I guess maybe we'd both matured enough so that we could be together. Sometimes I thought the relationship was just a little too mature for us. We had to grow into it.

Toby

College awaited me, it was looming. I had my cap and gown rumpled on my dresser. So I graduated, finally. It was just one door closing so another could open. And here I was at J.T.'s grave, just to say goodbye. Goodbye, J.T. I wish you could have been here.

Emma

Why did I think graduating high school would bring with it some sort of wisdom? I was sharing this dorm room with this super hot guy and falling all over myself so that he could notice me, which he wasn't. Making a fool of myself for some hot guy, a guy who I didn't even know yet, that wasn't wisdom. Not by a long shot.

Jimmy

It's funny, when you're a kid you think your parents can do no wrong. Like they're the epitome of moral values and doing what's right. Yeah, right. My dad, cheating on my mother with that secretary? That is just beyond unbelievable.

Craig

Europe was cool. I liked being so far away. There was less to hold me down, in a way. Like, Joey was great and everything. I love him, him and Ang, and they were there for me and everything and I appreciate that. I really do. But I moved in with Joey when I was 14, I wasn't exactly a little kid. I was kind of on my own since then. My parents were both dead. So that kind of frees you, in a way. That family I had when I was a kid, my mom and dad, that family is just gone. There's nothing to go back to.


	14. You Know Who They Are

Leaning over the mirror, his face too close to see, he closed his eyes and snorted the line of coke. He could feel it burning through his nasal passages, seeping into his blood stream, seeping into his brain. He didn't regret feeling better for once. He only regretted what he had to do to get here.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She felt her father's absence in the house like some negative shadow. His absence was everywhere. It was at supper as her and her mother stared at each other over overcooked broccoli. It was in the bottle of vodka as it tilted up and down toward her mother's throat.

Only in her room where the absence of both of her parents was necessary and right did she feel okay. She rolled up the sleeves of her black shirts and saw the healing lines where she's dragged the razor. She took it out again, that sharp shining blade, the dim glow of her bedroom light reflecting off of it, and she drew it ever so slowly across her tender skin.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Her own voice echoed in her head, "no, no," like down some tunnel, it was a voice in a kaleidoscope, a voice turned into colors, into smears of paint, drops of blood. "No," Useless. She never knew what a useless word it could be.

Numb. That was the overriding feeling. Underneath the numb was a pain she wasn't ready to feel. She could swear she heard Jimmy and Spinner outside the window, clutching the red cups full of beer, and Dean moved the shade aside one raw inch and stared down at them.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He licked his lips and started to breath fast, seeing the cops over Joey's shoulder. His dad sent the cops to get him. Of course. It made perfect sense. It was time to come home and his father always got what he wanted. He could feel the tightness in his chest as he almost resigned himself to it. It would never change but that didn't matter.

Joey sent Angela away, up the stairs and the cops had gone, their footsteps growing cold on the front stoop. He told him to sit down and he didn't want to, he wanted to stand and pace and move, the old tension and agitation coming back. But Joey wouldn't let him and he put his hand on his and told him his father was dead. He didn't believe it at first, couldn't take it in. It didn't coalesce with everything that had come before. Then he felt his hatred for him come back to haunt him.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It was easy not to eat. Deprivation was easy once you got the knack. She ran, feeling her muscles move and burn the calories that insisted on sticking to her thighs and her ribs like barnacles. She wouldn't let her body win. This was a war she'd win. It meant water and rice cakes and carrots and celery, food with negative calories. She knew what negative calories were. You expended more calories eating the food than the food gave you. If she could live on celery and carrots and apples then she would.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This penetrated some part of her brain. She sunk on the bed like on a cloud, like if you fell out of an airplane into a cartoon world of fluffy marshmallow clouds, it would feel like this. In some dim and distant part of her she felt the hands on her and she seized on one thought, one name, "Peter," If it was Peter it would be okay. If she wasn't caught up in the static of her own slipping and sliding neurons everything could still be alright. The bed felt like miles of thick air and she was falling without pain, without fear. But she feared those things would come.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sometimes it was like slow motion. You couldn't move. He felt his dad grab onto his shirt and yank him back and it took so long for gravity and all the physical forces to stop his forward momentum. The hard squeezing grip on his arm, the lash of the belt and he only saw it from the corner of his eyes, before he squeezed them shut.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cancer. The word tasted like rotting meat. The white walls of the hospital room were closing in on him, grown monstrously tall and leaning over like the horror movie house, and whatever was in it would eat him up.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Because it's wrong it could maybe be right at the same time. The music swelled around them, propelled her toward him and she was so glad he came. The rave and the neon necklaces and the platform shoes and the people crammed together in the small spaces, and she was crammed against him. She could feel his sweat through his shirt. She could feel his breath on her neck. She could feel his hands slide around her waist. If it was the last thing she did she would fuck him tonight.


	15. Chapter 15

**Claire**

She knew things were going on but no one was telling her anything. She hid in her room when Darcy came home from school, and she could hear the quiet weeping. She sat at the table as the silence spread out around them, and the grim faces of her parents loomed over them. Darcy's eyes were red rimmed, desperate, trapped. More and more her sister's eyes looked like an animal's eyes, scared and wild.

**Angie**

She didn't think the secrets were weird. There were all kinds of secrets. Like the time she wrecked daddy's colorful shirt by cutting it up so she could make clothes for her dolls. That was a secret. Or the time she spilled all the cereal out of the box and cleaned it all up and threw the box away before anyone would know, and when daddy said, 'I thought I bought a box of cereal?' she sat at the table with wide innocent eyes and he never knew. So when Craig said he didn't want her to tell about seeing him she agreed. And when Craig said he didn't want her to tell about the bruises she saw on him, all purple and blue, and the cuts, and all the injuries, when he said to keep it a secret she agreed.

**Kendra**

School shooting day. It was her school, too. She knew Jimmy because he was Spinner's friend. She didn't know Rick, but she knew Spinner picked on Rick. But Spinner picked on a lot of people. It was how he was. It didn't mean anything. The night of the shooting Spinner was somber. He wouldn't look at anyone when he came home from the hospital. He wouldn't open the door to his room. She stood outside and listened to the loud music emanating from within.

**Toby**

Ashley was moping big time. She would come home from school and go right to her room. At supper she would pick, push food around, claim she was full or not hungry at all and push her chair away from the table and go up to her room. Already thin to start with, Toby noticed weight loss. He noticed sadness. Upstairs, at the edge of her doorway, he peeked his head into her room.

"Ashley," he said, "what's wrong?"

"What do you think is wrong? Craig. Craig was cheating on me, Craig got Manny pregnant. He got someone pregnant. I mean, how can I forgive that? How can I get over that?"

Toby shook his head, unsure how she could forgive him, unsure how to help her.

**Jane**

Jane saw Mia glide by just like she was on a runway. It made her feel a chill. Mia had really bought into this whole Barbie model empty vessel thing. Whatever. She went to the locker room and changed into her football uniform. She knew this wasn't the way the world wanted her to be. But she had to climb out of the pretty box they tried to shove her in. Sure, it was an awfully pretty box with all the sparkles and glitter and wide satin ribbons, but she just couldn't breathe in there. She couldn't breathe at all.

**Craig**

Manny was still sitting on the stone wall near the school where he'd left her and her news. She said she was pregnant. He walked home, feeling dazed, feeling the happiness kind of wearing away. Pregnant. This was trouble. What would Joey say? What would happen? They were too young, he knew that. He wanted it, he wanted to have a baby and a family, something just his for him, something to take the place of his dead parents. That was what he wanted. But walking away from her and her serious face he didn't quite know how it would work out, or even if it would work out.


	16. Chapter 16

**Craig**

Hospitals always had this smell, like alcohol and death. I stood outside the room, peeked in. My mother was dying. She was so thin, so…small. Almost not there. The smell was different here than when I visited dad in the ER, it was busy there, and I wasn't so much on the sickness side of it, visiting him, going to his office with the plants and the glass knick knacks that caught the light. It was still there, this smell, all cleaning solutions and iodine or something. But up here, right outside my mother's room it was intensified, it was all I could smell. I stepped into the room, wishing she was better, wishing things were the way they were before. But it was a useless wish. Her eyes were closed. I held my breath for a second, looking for hers. Then I saw the slow and shallow breathing. She was still here. For now.

**Craig**

I sat in the church pew and I couldn't hear the speakers, the people giving the eulogies, I couldn't hear them at all. Dad was next to me and I was kind of surprised he came at all. He looked stern. He looked far away inside himself. He wasn't crying. I was. I saw Joey and Angie over in the next aisle. Angie was squirming, looking almost bored. She wore a fancy dress and white tights, black patent leather shoes. I could see the flicker of the candles in those shiny shoes. Joey was crying, the tears just streaming down his face. Me, too. She was gone. Forever and ever.

**Craig**

Nothing was right. I couldn't do anything right. So the dishes weren't done. I knew I was supposed to do them, but I got busy. You know, homework and fooling around with my new camera and watching MT.V. It had seemed harmless at the time, just doing what I wanted to do but now. The way dad was glaring at me, you'd think I killed someone.

"Craig," he said, and he said it in this way, this dead, flat way. I flinched away from him, knowing what was coming.

**Craig**

At first I thought that Joey gave me that money, and I was so happy. I mean, it was a lot of money and I couldn't quite figure out why he would give me that much, but I figured maybe, since I was 16 now, I didn't know. But Joey got a kind of funny look on his face, that look that I recognized as having to do with my father. But he was dead.

"No, Craig, it's from your father's estate. He specified it as a gift for your 16th birthday,"

I nodded, got that blank look that I'd tried to not have. That lost in the past look. So he set aside money for when I turned 16, fine, it was fine. It wasn't like he was trying to buy me like he did after all those beatings. It wasn't like that at all.

**Craig**

I felt good, for once. Energetic. Almost like I could do anything. I was getting all these ideas, song ideas, ideas for the band, marrying Ashley. Because Ashley was, I saw it now, she was everything. We could get married, be a family of our own. We could put out an album, get radio play, a video, become famous. It would all work out. It could. I could make it work.

**Craig**

It was raining, you know. But I barely felt it. But it was cold. I walked along, nowhere to go. I wasn't exactly going somewhere, I was leaving somewhere. Because things were shit at home, and it was basically my fault. I pushed Ash away. I made Joey and Caitlin fight. So it was time to go. They'd be better off without me.


	17. Chapter 17

Leo

I watched them onstage, this funny quirky high school band and they were okay. Not great, and the drummer, despite being cute, couldn't keep time. The bass player kept missing notes. But all of that didn't matter. It was the lead singer I couldn't keep my eyes off of. His voice, while unpolished, had an urgency and a yearning that could be developed. There was something there, something in that kid, that I could exploit and use. I licked my lips, getting ready for the kill.

Rick

I would just shoot them all. Everyone who ever hurt me, who ever shoved me against a locker, who ever punched or kicked me, who ever looked at me funny. I'd shoot them all.

Jimmy

Days and days had gone by and I was still in this bed. People came and went, nurses and doctors who were professionally cool and professionally compassionate. My friends, mostly weepy. My parents, stunned. And there was always me, with my legs that didn't seem to want to work anymore. What did this mean for the basketball star? The athletic kid? Who would I be now?

Hazel

So Paige was hanging out with Alex a lot, and I didn't mind. We weren't children. She could have other friends. And Jimmy was shot, he was in the hospital. It was okay. We'd get through it. I wasn't losing Jimmy and Paige. Not at all. It was silly to even think that.

Craig

Part of my mind kept telling me that it was wrong. I leaned over the mirror and snorted a line of coke, and that nagging little part of me wouldn't let up. It might just be all the years of brainwashing, all the "just say no," bullshit we were subjected to. But I worried that there was something to that. I worried about how much I liked it, how good it made me feel. This couldn't be the answer. This couldn't be how I would feel good.

Paige

Spinner wasn't Dean. Spinner was my funny goofy boyfriend and he wasn't Dean. So why did I almost feel like cringing when he went to touch me? Why did I feel like crying when we were kissing? I shook my head and listened to the song that played on the car radio. No, no, no. Please don't let me be damaged like that.

Emma

I didn't want to eat. At first I had wanted to eat. It was all I could think of. But I'd gone beyond that now. Beyond hunger. I was in control. At last.

Manny

I was moving on, totally. Craig didn't matter to me. I was showing the new cute boy around the school. Chester. I liked his smile and his flirty kind of way of acting. I liked him. Craig meant nothing. But there he was, oh God. He was still so cute, still so, I didn't know. Intriguing. I knew something was up with him, of course I knew that. He'd flipped out and went to the hospital, the nut floor. I always knew he was crazy. That didn't surprise me.

Craig

So I was on the phone with Sean and furiously packing and I was ignoring the pounding on my door and my dad calling out my name. I was sounding all casual with Sean on the phone because nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong. When the golf club slammed through the wood of the door and I jumped back, my heart pounding right out of my chest, I still believed it.


	18. Chapter 18

**Angie**

Craig was busy a lot of the time. I watched him come and go. It wasn't like a few years ago when he'd hang out with me, play dolls and take me to the park and read me stories. He was older now and almost through high school, and besides, I could read my own stories. But something was off. He talked so much, sometimes. And he stayed up all night, I could hear him playing the guitar in his room. I had that feeling like something was going to happen, like that day we went to the park and daddy found us there.

**Kendra**

I knew the kind of guy I was supposed to like, the edgy cool good looking type. There just didn't seem to be that much of that at Degrassi. But there was something about Toby that I liked. Maybe it was his quick intelligence behind his sleepy eyes and thick glasses. Maybe it was the misguided enthusiasm that he had, that reminded me of myself.

**Jack**

My parents hardly talked anymore. There was such a rift between them. At every meal the thick silence hung in the air like smog, like dust, like smoke. I couldn't see through it. It was choking me.

**Ashley**

Paige fell into step beside me and we walked along. I was trying to get over the whole Craig thing, but it wasn't going so well. I looked down at Paige, she was shorter than me. I watched the way the harsh hall lights gleamed on her blond hair.

"I think Craig got Manny pregnant," she said, and it was funny, because she looked mostly upset and concerned for me but also the Cheshire cat in her soul was enjoying this just a little. I felt like someone had punched me right in the stomach. I couldn't breath.

**Manny**

So I thought I could handle it, Craig doing cocaine, me trying cocaine. But it wasn't me, it wasn't what I wanted. I couldn't handle it. And I was running late. I bolted up in bed, not even that sure of where I was. I blinked. Unfamiliar room but familiar boy sleeping next to me. I gazed down at the smooth expanse of his back, listened to his harsh breaths.

**Emma**

This science project wasn't working at all. None of the data was coming out the way it was supposed to. J.T. and Spinner were screwing it all up. I marched down the hall and slammed J.T. up against the locker.

"You're wrecking my project," I told him, our noses close together. He smiled and squirmed in my grasp. Those boys were wrecking my project, and Mr. Simpson was wrecking things at home, dating my mom. Everything was getting wrecked.

**Paige**

The uniform was abysmal. Polyester? I mean, c'mon. And the lines of all the people were abysmal, getting them all their junk food for their mindless entertainment. This job sucked, but of course I owed Spin a ton of money. But maybe it would be okay. I watched Alex as she cleaned the popcorn machine, watched the way her straight black hair hung like a sheet across her face.

**Craig**

I blinked slowly, not sure what had happened or why I felt so weird. It was a hospital room and I felt the plastic hospital band around my wrist. I had had so much energy for awhile, but now I felt sleepy and drugged. It was late in the morning, I could tell by the light outside. Shouldn't I be in school? But it was coming back to me, all the freaking out, all the spending of Joey's money, hitting Joey, losing control, like my father used to, just like he used to. I groaned and covered my face with my hands. Please, God, no. Don't let me be like him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Craig**

The sky was so gray. Everything looked like it was covered with some film of filth. I knew I was. I'd been on the streets for days, sleeping in an alleyway on a piece of cardboard. I was following Skinny kind of blindly. I could feel my thoughts racing, racing. I remembered tossing all my pills into the trash, so pissed off at Ashley and Joey for thinking that I wasn't okay. As my thoughts trailed across my mind fast like meteors and I heard myself talking about shit, I knew that they were right. I wasn't okay.

**Spinner**

I laid on my bed and could barely hear the music that was blasting out of the speakers. I closed my eyes and pounded my fists on the bed. All I could see was Jimmy motionless on that stretcher. I thought it was so funny, getting Rick to blame him for that prank. At the time it was just pure awesomeness. The paint and the feathers, all raining down on him at the perfect time, then blaming Jimmy for the whole thing, it was just inspired. Now I wondered what I was doing and what I was thinking. Jimmy could die for this, and it would all be because of me.

**Ashley**

I could hear Craig as he strummed the guitar and sang his part. I could hear my own voice soaring above the crowd, everyone all dressed up and below us, looking up like glittering little dolls. As I sang the words I knew that it was almost time for me to go. It was time to try new things.

**Emma**

Running hurt at first. It took your breath away and made your muscles ache. But I noticed, as I ran one more mile each day, as I've pushed myself through the pain, I've noticed a funny kind of pleasure. It's like being high, and I feel like I'm flying as my sneakers pound the road. I can feel the pounds melting off, I can feel the perfection that I strive for getting closer, inch by inch. When I feel this way I think I could run forever. If I could run forever I could finally be the perfect slender girl with no flaws, the girl I always knew I could be.

**Jimmy**

I woke up, sort of. I was strapped to a stretcher and fluids were dripping into my arm, not really dripping, pouring. A mask covered my nose and mouth and I breathed in the oxygenated air it provided and wondered dimly if I would be able to breath without it. The pain of the gunshot had receded, had maybe become too much pain to feel or process correctly. I wondered in this dim twilight state if I'd be paralyzed or if I'd die. Maybe these were my last moments. I could see through my half shut eyes the scared faces of the other students, and the frantic but professional manor of the EMT's and the police, and I saw the crowd of parents that had gathered at the base of the stairs. I tried to savor all of it, because maybe it would all be gone in an instant.

**Darcy**

I didn't care what the other cheerleaders were doing. I didn't care that I had sex I never wanted. All I cared about was the roar in my head, the tidal wave that was telling me how soiled and worthless I had become. There had to be some way to still that wave, to quiet the voice of disapproval. I turned the shower on and took out a razor I had nabbed from my bathroom this morning, with no clear idea of why I wanted it. I just knew that I felt better having it. There would be a way to quiet the voices in my head, I knew that there was.

**Craig**

It was just the last vestiges of knowing right from wrong. I watched Skinny get that predator glint in his eyes as he saw the rich old guy get out of his fancy car. I grabbed his arm, wanting to stop him, I guess. I didn't know what I expected. I didn't expect to get punched in the face, and it knocked me down and I closed my eyes, flashing back to the years I'd spent getting beaten by my father. I was 14 again, 13, 12. I knew about this now, though. I knew what would bring me right back to those years of abuse. Quick movements, sharp tones of voice, and of course getting hit. But it was over in an instant and I was back to myself, somewhat. I wasn't 14 anymore. I wasn't that helpless kid anymore.

"Hey, what was that for?" I said, and swung at him because now I fought back.


	20. Chapter 20

Craig

This is when I felt schizophrenic. Emma and Manny were so childish, but not in a bad way. They were 13, they were in eighth grade, they were supposed to be kind of childish. I wish I could be more like them.

But I wasn't like them, and I knew it. I listened to Angie laugh, and I could hear the dragging sound of the chalk against the sidewalk, I could feel the sun in my eyes. I could smell the hot dogs cooking on the little grill on the little porch across the street. I could feel both Emma and Manny flirting with me, and I wished this could be the real world, or the way the world always was. I smiled and pretended that I was just as normal as they were, just as childish and carefree. It wasn't true. I wasn't supposed to be here with Angie, and my father would find out, one way or another, and I'd get a beating. I'd get a beating for that or this or for something else, it didn't matter what it was. I knew how it would end. I'd be a crumpled mess on the floor of my room, or the living room, or the basement floor, and that one was the worst, that cold basement floor. And something might be bleeding, like a gash in my lip or a lash from the belt on my back or something, and everything would be aching and I'd be sorry for things I didn't even remember in those hazy unreal moments after a beating.

Emma was smiling at me, and so was Manny, and I was so jealous of them. I was so jealous of Emma because her mother was still alive, she was over on the porch cooking hotdogs and smiling at Emma and being normal. My dad was wound up so tight with stress from his job and from me and from being a single father and running stuff at the hospital and everything I did was wrong. I had no idea how to act anymore, to tell you the truth. I couldn't please him, I'd figured that out a little while ago, but I was still trying to please him, and I still thought that if I was good enough he wouldn't hit me anymore.

Things were not going so well, though, I had to admit it. I wasn't sleeping that great, and I was falling asleep in school, and I was having a hard time concentrating in school and out of school. I'd kind of space out when people were talking to me. I was so nervous all the time, and granted I didn't get beaten all that often, there was always the possibility of it, always in the back of my mind, and I just never knew what any day would bring. Sometimes it was a relief if it happened, because then at least I knew, and I knew it would be awhile before it happened again. How screwed up was that?

But it was nice to be here, to be near Angie and think of my mom, and to pretend that I was just as normal as everyone here. I was pretty good at pretending. Pretending was my life. I pretended that nothing was wrong, and I kept up this pretense everywhere. At school, with my friends, and especially with my dad. But my dad would pretend, too. For the days and weeks when he didn't beat me he'd pretend that he was a normal dad and I'd pretend that I was a normal son and that things were normal. He never threw me against the walls and he never grabbed my wrists so hard that they would be bruised for days afterward and he never took his belt and hit me with it. These things never happened.

I saw Joey drive up. He didn't get out of work this early. What was he doing here? I stood up, walked over to the porch, tried to hide. Maybe he wouldn't see me. If he saw me here he'd tell my dad I was here and then I'd get it, I'd get it. I could feel my heart start to pound in my chest. My breathing was getting all fast and shallow. Maybe he wouldn't see me, maybe he'd just drop off a present for Emma'a mom and he'd take Angie and he'd leave.

"Craig?" he said, and I turned around and looked at him for a second with my true face, the one filled with fear and uncertainty. Then I arranged my features into a smile, my everything was fine smile.

"What are you doing here?" he said, his eyebrows knitting together as he squinted at me in the sun.

"Oh, it's fine," I said, because that was a part of the whole lie, things were fine, nothing mattered, nothing was wrong.


End file.
